if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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