did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
