Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
