Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.