you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I AM VODKA MAN
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails