the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list