It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize