It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
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I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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