Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
