I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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