I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
