Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
