I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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