you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
