nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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