Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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