Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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