I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
