o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
