you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
