my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
