The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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