Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just googled if crying burns calories
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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