how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
