I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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