So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
