Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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