So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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