She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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