remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
