God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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