Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
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