My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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