I just threw up on my dentist
it was like eating out sand paper
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
