you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
