he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
