whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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