hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it's like heaven, but drunker
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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