my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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