no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
