come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
