i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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