He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
