Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
