Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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