You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
