1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
