At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
