Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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