Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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