So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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