Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
