fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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