I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
