Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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