I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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